I know I've not been around much lately, and it isn't looking like I'll be around much in the near future.  I've worked three 12 hour days this week, and have signed up for as much OT as I can get over the coming weeks. 

I love the new job though.  Bill says he hasn't seen me this happy in a very long time.  The pay cut was definitely worth it, not only for job security, but for my sanity as well.

My birthday is less than a month away... I'm a simple girl, I don't ask for much.   All I want is a 3 lb. box of my favorite potato chips... Martin's Kettle Cook'd BBQ potato chips.  Unfortunately, I can't get them here in Indiana

http://www.martinschips.com/index_files/page0004.htm

Or you could get me something from here

http://www.buysmartware.com/?src=affiliate&aid=13159&subid=7d&gclid=CKLB_O_A4IkCFQuFIwodqjh6GQ

http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/732075

If you did decent on that one, try this one.  This is mostly stuff that ONLY those I really talk to, would know.

http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/734360

I accidentally put dog flea treatment, on our cat, Bowie, before I went to bed last night.  When I got up this morning he was tremoring really badly, sneezing (he was doing that all night) and could hardly keep his eyes open.  We took him to the Emergency Vet as soon as we realized what happened.  They said he should be fine, they've seen cats in worse condition after the same thing happend.  But I'm still feeling like sh~t for being so damn stupid... not to mention $500 we don't have, will be spent because of my stupid mistake.
 
So I'm warning all of you, before you treat any of your animals for fleas, triple check to be sure you are putting the right thing on them.

Update:  Bowie is home and seems to be doing fine, thank god!

Hubby is rubbing off on me... I'm turning into a photography freak!  I plan on going out tomorrow and driving around town, taking pics, if the weather is nice

I moved to Deviant Art, and uploaded some that aren't on my photobucket account yet.

http://morethanaprettyface.deviantart.com/

He got the job!

More to come, here are the ones hubby has uploaded so far

http://s36.photobucket.com/albums/e49/widowmakerq2k/New%20England%20Party/

I can count on one hand, the number of REAL friends I have.  Some of you might think that is sad, but I think that's when you know that you have someone who knows what being a friend really is.   REAL friends are the ones you can talk to once a year, but you both know that if the other one needs you, you will drop everything and move heaven and hell to be there for them.  The rest are just acquaintances who will move on to someone else, as soon as you don't pay them the attention they think they deserve.

Me, I wouldn't trade one REAL friend in, for a thousand acquaintances.

That's what I was called today... by a little nineteen year old  (supposedly) teenybopper.  Well, I've always admitted I was fat, I've always claimed I was a bitch, and if having sixteen years of life experience on her know it all ass makes me pretentious, then so be it.  I'll wear the title with pride and honor.

I've been molested, raped, beaten and mentally abused, but one thing I've never been is someones puppet or victim.  I've been through the ringer, so to speak, but I've never let it keep me from speaking my mind and voicing my opinions.  If I have something to say, you can be damn f~cking sure that I'm going to say it.

It has come to my attention that someone is saying I'm the one who started the mass drop on Gus.  I will admit, I was the first to drop him, but I was going to do that, regardless of who else planned on dropping him.  I only asked one other person to drop him.

I do not condone, nor do I normally participate in mass drops.  In fact, last time I heard anything about a supposed mass drop, I informed the people who were proposed to get dropped, before it started.

If I don't know you, if I've never spoken to you, please do not invite me to your user group.  If your group is centered around sex, again, please don't invite me... I'd rather do it, than talk about it.

Also, if you think you deserve a spot in my top 10 friends, and you aren't there, prove to me that you deserve it, and you might get it.  This does not include kissing my ass, or leaving me stupid comments.  TALK TO ME.

I love you baby, no matter how grumpy you are,

 or how much you drive me crazy sometimes.

You are my reason for waking up every morning. 

Just knowing that it's another day of being your wife, is all I need to start my day. 

Thanks for being there for me, no matter what. 

You are the only Valentine I want or need

#1 I'm back on Weight Watchers

#2 I've gone from a pack a day (smokes) to one pack every 2-3 days... and I'm working on quitting totally... hopefully by the end of this week.

#3 I've totally cut out soda... only water and skim milk for me now

#4 I'm starting my Core Secrets program again

#5 Hubby and I are joining the gym as soon as we quit smoking (the money we save on smokes will MORE than pay for the gym membership).

The day I possibly get my life back  

Those of you who know me, know that I've had major hip/back problems for the last five years.  Today at 1:00, I have an appointment with one of the best hip specialists in the tri-state, to see about the possibility of surgery.  If he says I'm a candidate for surgery, my days of sitting at home not being able to do anything, could soon be over.  Simple tasks such as going to the grocery store, may no longer leave me in sever pain for two or three days.  Doing laundry may no longer be something I dread.  Walking or standing for more than a few minutes at a time, might actually be something I can do again, without having to worry about how sore I'm going to be..

So, wish me luck.  I'll update here when I get back.

Well, he said before I have surgery, he would like me to lose weight and spend 6 months to a year strenthing my hip muscles.  Hubby has agreed to go on a diet and start working out with me, so we'll see how it goes.  I have another appointment with him in May.

Thank you, Chica16, for the beautiful collages you made me.  I plan to display them all over the next couple weeks

And a big thanks for all the Chirstmas cards from my wonderful friends and allies... you guys

A moment of silence, for my Betta, Dobby, who died of Dropsy today

You were a wonderful fishie friend, and I will miss you always.

So, I came to work this morning in a pretty good mood, only to find out that a very dear friend passed away on Tuesday.  I just saw her last weekend, got a loaf of her homemade sourdough bread, and she was fine.  Granted, she was in her 80's, but this is still such a shock to me.  I loved this woman like she was my grandmother.  Less than a month ago, I introduced her to my husband, and she just went on and on about how lucky he was to have me.  She was a remarkable woman, and she will be missed. 

Rest in Peace, Gay.  You will always be in my

Ya know, I really hate living here.  As if the tornado that ripped through here last week wasn't bad enough, we've been under a tornado watch all day, and will be until 9PM, and have had two tornado warnings so far.  There have been two tornadoes that have touched down this afternoon, within an hour of here, and the worst threat is still on it's way.

I know a couple of you know where I live, and if you've been watching CNN this morning, you know the deadliest tornado of the year passed through my city around 2:00 AM.  I just wanted to let you know that we are fine.  The tornado touched down about a mile from my step daughter's house, pretty much destroying everything in it's path, thank god she was spared.  As of right now, there are 15 people confirmed dead and in one trailer park alone, 45+ trailers were leveled to the ground.  There was also significant damage to a horse racing track, with three or four of the horse barns destroyed (anyone who knows how much I love animals knows how heartbreaking this is to me).  We went to check on his daughter right after we heard about it, and there was debris from the race track everywhere.  Thank god we didn't come across any horses laying in the road, or I'd have freaked out.

There are several people I work with who have lost everything, and at least one person who works here has died in this horrible tragedy.

Update:  There are at least 23 people dead, and still literally tons of debris to sort through.  In the trailer park alone, there were 100 homes destroyed, and another 150 damaged.  One of the people killed was someone who works at the casino I work at.  There were also at least three horses killed at the race track.  This is by far the worst thing I've ever witnessed first hand, in my entire life.

Ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out?  I'm having one of those days today, and tomorrow isn't looking much better, other than the fact that I don't have to be at work until noon.

I hate being in this funk.  I don't want to see or talk to anyone, and that just doesn't work too well when you work at a casino.  So, I'm trying to put on my happy face, but I'm about to say f~ck it and just let people know how I feel.

Remember, beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way through.

/index.cfm?fractal=bsw.dsp.home.groups.thread.list&GroupID=136

Come join the drama free group, where everyone can feel comfortable about their size, no matter if its big, small, or just right.  We have a "fitness guru" on staff who will be happy to answer any of your health and fitness questions.

So, Tanya Tucker was doing a military benefit concert at the casino I work at, last night.  I was working at the VIP Check In desk, and some of her people came down freaking out, because Tanya didn't have any mascara.  Being the kind hearted person that I am, I saved the show by letting them borrow mine, for her.  Damn bitch didn't bring it back

Well, I just talked to housekeeping... turns out she left it in the suite.  Damn good thing I called and asked if she left anything behind

When it rains, it pours.  We got the call on Saturday night that hubby's grandma passed away, then just this morning, while we're in MN with his family, my mom in PA called and told me my aunt passed away around 4:00 this morning   With the price of gas, there's no way we'll be able to make the trip to PA for her funeral, after this trip to MN.

On a good note though, my last memory of my aunt will be of visiting her in the nursing home, where she was surrounded by family who loves her, and knew we were all there, instead of in the state she's been in for the last month, and finally, in a casket.

Started a new user group for larger women, and the people who love them.  If you fit into this category, come join us.  We'd love to have you

/index.cfm?fractal=bsw.dsp.home.groups.thread.list&GroupID=136

Why oh why
Must you push me away
Listen to my heart
It has so much to say
 
It wants to embrace you
To never leg go
But I must continue
To put on this show
 
Forgive my sad eyes
Look past my smile
See the person inside
It's been awhile
 
I'm right here waiting
Please open your eyes
This smile I'm wearing
Is but a disguise
 
A little of your time
It's all that I ask
Is it too much to give me
Too much of a task
 
Perhaps it seems selfish
But what can I say
I'll just sit back and wait
Perhaps another day

My brother started a blog on www.blogspot.com so I figured what the hell.  It will probably be just a repost of stuff I put here, but you never know.  Feel free to check it out if you're interested.

http://ladywings.blogspot.com/ 

And here's a link to my brother's as well.  He's a truck driver, and will be sharing some of his experiences on the road, postiing picture from his travels, as well as discussing current events, etc. so check his out too, if you're interested http://glennsweblog.blogspot.com/

Ya'll crack me up.  It's the f~cking internet.  If it bothers you that much, get off your chair, go outside and do something in the real world.  Leave the internet for those of us who realize that what someone says about us online should not have any ill effects on our real life, because 90% of the people on the internet wouldn't have the f~cking balls to say sh~t to our face.

And then to start calling people names like you're back in grade school, because they point out that not everyone online cares about them or their friends   Get a f~cking life, kids, and leave the internet to the grownups who don't get butt hurt when someone calls them a name or insults them.

The first treatment at the new chiropractor went even better than I had dared hope for.  While there are bruises on my thigh and hip from the soft tissue stuff he did, I was pain free all day Friday, after I left his office, and until about 10:00 or later Saturday night.  I haven't been pain free for more than a couple hours at a time (and only on rare occassions) for at least three years. I got home from work on Friday and Saturday and actually wanted to do stuff around the house, instead of sitting in front of the computer... hell, I even wanted to go for a walk.

I go back tomorrow, and I'm sure I'll come out with even more bruises than I have now, but if I get another two or three days, pain free, it is well worth the bruises, and even the tears that come along with them.  Yeah, I said tears... that soft tissue work hurts worse than getting my last tattoo did.  He finds my tenderest spots, and pushes down with all his weight, with just two fingers, until the pocket under it bursts.  When that happens, there is a brief burning sensation.  Then he goes and finds a new spot, and does it all again.

I went to a new chiropractor today.  For the first time, in a long time, I fell like I have a chance at getting my life back.  After talking to be about what was going on, and what he does at his office, he spent an hour examining me, finding out exactly where I hurt. He poked and prodded and did tests that no chiropractor has ever done on me before.  I also have homework to do before I go back in... a 200 question survey about my health/medical problems, and their frequency.   He then took x-rays, and I go back on Friday to go over the results of the x-rays, and hopefully begin treatment.  Unlike most chiropractors, he doesn't WANT me to have to come in three times a week.  He said if I have to do that, he's not doing something right, and will re-evaluate my treatment.  He's also a nutritionist and will discuss a nutrition plan that could help me as well. 

There very well be some light at the end of this three year long tunnel I've been traveling down.  I look forward to being able to do the things I enjoy most, but havne't been able to do for the last three years.

I'm am SO excited to be going on vacation!!!  I talked to one of my best friends from when I was growing up (one of only two that I even still talk to)and found out she now lives about 2 or 3 hours from where we are starting our vacation (Gatlinburg, TN), so we've decided to head to her place before we go to the campground on Saturday.  I haven't seen her in five years, so this will be a real treat for me.  Then, when we get to PA, hubby will finally get to meet my other best friend as well.  These ladies are the only two of my friends that I've ever really cared if hubby got to meet or not, and he'll be meeting both of them in the same trip, so I'm really excited.

We are leaving Friday evening, and won't be back until the 15th.  We won't have internet access, so some great friends on here have agreed to keep my account active, so my score doesn't drop too badly.

Update Wed, May 4th...

My baby Bowie is coming home today!!!!!

I will pick him up when my step daughter gets home from school this afternoon.

Wednesday morning we had to rush one of the cats, Bowie,  to the vet, because he was lathargic, and crying.  They told us he had a urinary blockage, that they had to insert a cathater until Friday, then watch him for a couple days before they sent him home.  When I called last night to check on him, he still hadn't peed on his own, after they removed the cath, and he wasn't eating.  I called again this morning and they told me that they had to put the cath back in this morning   I was hoping to be able to pick him up on Monday, but it doesn't look like that will be happening now.  I'm so worried about him.  The house is so quiet without him there causing trouble.  If everyone who reads this would please say a quick prayer for Bowie, it would mean a lot to me.

Edit: Monday 8:00 AM

I just got off the phone with the vet.  They pulled the cath again this morning, and will observe him today and tomorrow.  I'm hoping he pees right away, so they will let him come home tomorrow instead of waiting until Wednesday.

Edit 1:45 PM

I talked to the vet at lunch.  He's peeing on his own, and he's eating... great news.  They still said I can't pick him up until Wednesday, but I feel a whole lot better knowing he's making progress.

Almost 24 hours without signing onto CS... I feel like a new woman

To those of your curious about how things went at court yesterday, it turned out better than we expected, but not as well as it could have.  Everything will continue as it is now through the end of the school year, and the first half of the summer, with the exception of her mom will pick her up and school on days hubby is working.  If he is able to pick her up from her mom's house before 7PM, she will be with us for the night, if not, she will stay with her mom.  That way her mom can make sure she is doing her homework and staying out of trouble.

She will spend the second half of the summer with her mom, and her mom will offically regain custody on August 1st, at which time we will start getting her every other weekend, and one night during the week.

This is pretty much exactly what hubby was asking for a month ago, when the dumb bitch refused to sign... only exception was that he didn't have her mom picking her up at school... the judge came up with that idea.

Hubby and I have to go to court this afternoon, to fight to keep custody of his daughter.  I'm sure her mother will have a whole new list of lies ready to tell the court, but I'm hoping with her track record of lying to the court, they will see through it.  Yes, my life would be MUCH easier if we lose, but that is not what is best for his daughter, so that is not what I want.  Part of being a parent is knowing/doing what is best for the child... something her mother will never understand.  I may not be her mother, but I am STILL a parent to her, no matter how much she hates that fact.  I was the closest thing to a mother she had, for the two years her mother moved away to Arizona, leaving her daughter behind, because hubby said she didn't have to pay child support if she gave him custody.  What kind of mother would fight to take her kid with her, then give her up as soon as the kids father said she didn't have to pay him anything, he just wanted his daughter??

So anyhow, I'll update this later... just keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Why do they have to be so difficult?  I don't remember being this difficult when I was 13.  Well, maybe that's because I knew I wasn't going to get away with it.  If I did something, and my parents found out (which they ALWAYS did), I knew there would be a leather belt finding my ass very soon.  If I talked back, I got slapped across the mouth, so I learned quickly not to talk back (at least not loud enough for them to hear). 

And they don't appreciate anything you try to do to help them make a better life for themselves, than you have for yourself.

We go back to court on March 30th, to continue the custody battle.  Her father told her if she wanted to stay with us (where she's lived for the last three years), she HAD to bring her grades up.  Guess what, she didn't.  Now she says she's screwed, because she's going to have to go back with her mom, probably.  Who's to blame?  Us, for not pushing her hard enough, or her, for not trying?  I'm not even her mother, and I still feel like I've let her down by not pushing her hard enough.

I wish my parents had pushed me harder when I was in school.

Hubby had to go to Bloomington (a three hour drive) to do inventory tonight, and his daughter is spending the night with her mom.  As soon as he left, I felt an overwelming sense of loss.  I felt like I just lost my best friend, now I know why.  My uncle died this evening.  While we were expecting it, we didn't expect it quite so soon.

He was admitted to the hospital around Christmas, with pneumonia.  They released him after a few days, but for some reason the antibiotics they gave him affected his colon.  He was readmitted a few days later, and they did surgery to remove part of his colon.  He was recovering well, then yesterday they tried to get him out of bed, and his lung collapsed, his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate increased.  They got him stabalized, but today he suffered multiple organ failure.  My aunt told them to continue doing what they were doing, but not to do anything else beyond that, for him.  We figured he at least had another day or so, but he was gone a few hours later.

So, I sit here tonight, wanting nothing more than to feel my husband's hand on my shoulder, to feel his arms around me, but he's not here.

Last night, I was vaccuming and heard someone pounding on the door (the one we don't use).  I open the door to see the neighbor's house in flames. 

I'm not talking about little flames, I'm talking about shooting from the windows broken out by the heat, five feet from our house flames.  I grabbed the dog and one of the cats and threw them in the garage before the fire department even got there.  The mojor part of the fire was put out pretty quickly, so I let the animals back in the house and sat out in the front yard, along with half of our neighborhood, watching.

Luckily no one was hurt, and we had them come to our house until their families and the Red Cross got there.  Hubby and I both went through some of our old clothes and gave them what we could.  Unfortunately we have no small children, so we weren't able to come up with anything for the babies (boy 2 yrs and a girl just a few months old), but I'm on a campaign here at work and on a few message boards I post at,  trying to find stuff for the kids as well. 

If the few of you who read this have any kids clothes (boys 12-18 months, girls 3-6 months) that you don't need anymore, and would like to help out, send me an e-mail.

I just got off the phone with my hubby's brother-in-law's ex wife.  It seems she's been trying to get in contact with her ex-husband (hubby's brother-in-law) to let him know their son's new phone number.

She left several messages on his cell phone, only to have his wife (hubby's sister) call her and tell her he's in the hospital and bitching at her, telling her never to call her husband's cell phone again.  Hello, he gave her the number so she could reach him if she needed to.

Here's where I come in.  I work at the local casino, she called to cancel a reservation and I just happened to take the call.  I recognized the name, knew they were trying to find their son a place to live, and asked if they'd had any success.  She said yes, and asked why her ex-husband was in the hospital.  We had no clue he was back in (no one bothered to call us).  He's been spending a lot of time in the hospital over the last few months, and she's worried her son is going to lose his dad soon, and all he will get is a phone call from hubby's sister, saying "your dad died".  She can't stand his son, won't allow him in her home, yet has the nerve to go off on me for the way I treat my step daughter (who lives with us). 

Am I wrong to think that:

 a) her husband has a right to know how to get a hold of his son

  his son has a right to know when his dad has been admitted to the hospital again

 c) she doesn't have a hell of a lot or room to talk about the way I treat my rebellious teenage step daughter, when she won't even allow her step son in her home

Why would an 83 year old man, who has been happily married for 47 years, and just got a clean bill of health from his doctor, after an amazing recovery from a stroke, kill himself?  I just don't understand it

I want to go to the viewing tomorrow night, but I have to work until 7:00, it's over at 8:00 and it's a 45 minute drive.  I feel I should be there to support his wife, but I won't be able to go, as we are already short handed at work   I wouldn't know what to say to her anyhow.  The poor woman is a mess, and said she just wants to die herself now.  How could he do that to her and his kids and grand kids... I just don't get it.

So, hubby decided to take his 13 yr old daughter, her friend and myself to watch our local professional wrestling this evening.  When we got there, the girls saw some friends from school  and invited them to sit with us.  They were a bit loud, but what 13 yr old girls aren't?

So anyhow, we were sitting there enjoying the show, when one of the girls they invited to sit with us started calling one of the wrestlers a f~cking bitch... over and over and over again.  Hubby told his daughter to ask her friend to please watch her mouth, but she didn't, so it continued.  I think I was most embarassed when I noticed the three year sitting old girl catty corner from us watching the girls.  Keep in mind, I've never seen live professional wrestling before tonight, but I was pretty sure we were about to get kicked out due to this girl's foul mouth.  It's one thing coming from an adult, but a 13 yr old girl is another story.

During the intermission hubby asked if I was ok.  I said "no, I've never been so embarassed in my ife".  He went to find the girls (they had gone outside) and asked the girl if she talked that way in front of her parents.  She said "my dad is here".  Tell me something... what kind of parent allows their 13 year old to use that kind of language in front of them?  Not a very good one, in my opinion.

Since We First Met
Since I first met you
my life has all changed.
It somehow feels different,
it's all rearranged.
Your touch sends me spinning,
I just lose my head.
I love you so much
the words can't be said.
If something should happen
and you said good-bye,
I'd have no reason for living
so I'd quietly die.
5/11/88

Alone-Together
Alone together at last.
We must me careful,
we don't want it to go too far.
We both want to wait
til the moment is right,
not just any old time
in the middle of the night.
At the same time though,
we both want each other.
We want it to happen,
but we know it can't.
Not now at least,
not for a while yet.
We want a relationship
on something more
one that is different
than the ones before.
I know and you know,
it's gonna be rough,
but together we'll make it
cause together we're tough.
5/12/88

Forgetting The Past
Look in my eyes.
What do you see in them?
Bits of pain and sorrow
from a love somehow gone wrong.
But also you'd find a wide open door,
feady to forget about the past
and get on with the future.
For him I feel only a twing of resentment,
but for you I see the promise of tomorrow.
There's no use pretending,
'cause I'll never forget him
But with your help,
I can think of him
as just a thing of the past,
and go on living my life in your arms...
forever!
5/12/88

More Than Words
I wake up with thoughts of you
spinning 'round my head.
I go to sleep with thoughts of you
and dream of you in bed.
I sit all day and think of you
just wondering what to do,
how to let you know my dear
my love for you is true.
I need something more than words,
to show you that I care
and to ever leave your side,
I would never dare.
Words just seem so useless love
whenever I'm with you
they never say what I want
when I want them to.
Our love is a special one,
a love so hard to find,
our love is a precious one,
the only of its kind.
I wish that I could find a way
to show you what I mean.
To show you dear
since I've met you,
how great my life has been.
5/1/92

Yes, these were written after a breakup, but for some reason I think the dark ones are some of my best work.

Blackness-
Darkness-
Intense emotions-
That won't let me be.
Sadness-
I'm crying-
from eyes of stone.
Tears-
falling-
I want to be alone.
5/3/89

Trapped-
Spinning-
Images surfacing
Faces emerging
Through eyes of stone
I see your face.
Laughing-
Smiling-
You see me once more
The pain in my eyes
Which can't be desguised
It makes you so happy
To see that I'm hurt
. I loved you
You used me
Now you sit back
With your sly little smile
And watch the pain in my heart
Grow rigid and wild.
(It's) running-
(It's) growning
I wants to be free
(It's) burning-
(It's) yearning-
inside of me
Floating-
Spinning-
My mind it is free
The person here now
It's not really me.
5/4/89

What is it with people? Everywhere I look, people are becoming increasingly more stupid... or maybe it`s laziness... nah, it`s sheer stupidity.

K and C are not interchangeable, just as S and Z aren`t. You don`t take your kar to the kwik wash, and boyz and girlz should know how to spell by the time they are in high school.

Oh, and for the rccord, underwear are just that... something meant to be worn UNDER your clothes, not sticking out the top of them. I wonder if these little teeny boppers know how that "trend" got started. Well, let me enlighten you... It started in prisons. The men who were for sale (sex for money) would wear their underwear sticking out so that the other men would know they were available. When they got out of jail, they needed money and went to the street corners, with the common prostitutes, and tried to make money, still wearing their undies sticking out the top of their pants to let other ex-prisoners know they were available for sex. A bunch of punks thought it looked cool, and started doing it too.

So, the next time you see your neighbor kid walking around with 6 inches of underwear sticking out of too big pants with the crotch hanging to their knees, slap them upside the head and ask them how much

And last, but not least, if you live in the USA and brag about your illegal drug use all over the internet, for ANYONE to see, don't be surprised if the cops show up at your door.  Would you advertise if you went out and robbed the local convenience store, or if you beat your kids or your S/O?  I highly doubt it.

Some things really are better left unsaid.